Procrastination, Fear, and Life

Hey everyone, it’s me, Tori. It’s been a while. Let’s catch up, shall we?

I last left you all on this writing outlet explaining why I’m moving back to Texas, last March in 2016. Writing that post was the hardest thing I had to do in a long time. I felt shameful, embarrassed, and like I had failed- these issues are things that I have dealt heavily with the passed 10 months, and without Jesus I would be still be in pieces. I moved onto work at Camp Allen for the summer, and once the school year began, I found myself in Corpus Christi, Texas, attending the Texas A&M branch of school here.

I decided after I moved home, that although I had moved back to Texas, moving back to College Station was not something I felt called to do. So, I began my semester here, studying psychology.

Let me tell you something, you guys. I love it here. I LOVE IT HERE.

There’s this feeling, I believe, that someone gets when they find when they really, truly, figure out where they are supposed to be. I have felt this feeling before when I joined theater in high school, I felt it when I played my first written song for a group of twenty friends on New Year’s Eve in 2013, I felt it when I was running all over Camp Allen’s 1100 acres in 2014 as a Senior Staffer. It’s a feeling of home.

Now, I know that “home” isn’t technically a feeling. But, I have a feeling that if you’re reading this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a feeling of fitting, it’s comfortable, it’s exciting, it’s joy, it’s home.

I’m home.

My fall semester went pretty good, for someone being out of practice in a traditional university setting. I loved my classes, and found an organization that some of you may know called Younglife. It’s a Christian organization that focuses on showing high school and college kids Jesus (in the simplest terms), and y’all, I think I’ve found some of the most kind, genuine, ridiculous, selfless friends I’ve ever met.

Later through the semester, I even had a chance to record some music with my producer, David, and I’ll be releasing NEW music this coming month. (!!!!!!!!)

A lot has happened in the passed 10 months- a lot of these things were great. But, I am not perfect, and life does not happen perfectly, and struggles are a real thing, and I want to live authentically.

So, to be transparent with all of you, I’ve been avoiding things lately. Avoiding my journal, avoiding my blog, website, and writing of all sorts. I’m so good at avoiding and procrastinating things, and I’ve been so fearful to see what I would find.

I fear that if I start journaling, Jesus will reveal to me the scary truth of what I need. I fear the if I open this blog, I’ll have nothing to say. I fear that if I sit down to write a new song, I’ll discover that I’m creatively dry and talentless. Fear of the what if’s. So, my silly solution is to avoid it- if I avoid it, maybe I’ll find that there’s not anything there at all? Procrastination.

It’s so interesting to see how much I’ve changed in only a year. I used to put off school work and avoid doing laundry, but bury myself in music and writing blog posts that I hoped would inspire just one person. But now I can study for hours, clean my room every day, keep my head down and focus on registering for the right classes, but when I look at my journal,  I stare warily like it could bite me if I get too close. So much can change in a year. I have changed so much in a year.

I’ve been so desperate for inspiration, and thank GOD Ed Sheeran decided to descend from the heavens and drop Castle On A Hill, because I couldn’t remember the last time a song had moved me in a way that I can’t explain. It felt good, it filled my soul, it really did something to me. So, my question for you is: What inspires you? Honestly. I want to know. What moves you?

Tell me.

I love you sweet people. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the love you give me so generously.

The Bachelor is on tonight. That one mean blonde girl with the nanny is so mean and I really don’t like her.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s