Rewriting My Story (And Christmas!!!!)

 

“If we only do what we’re familiar with, we might miss what we’ve been made for.” – Bob Goff

When I was a senior in high school, I put out an six-song EP, called ‘Courage’. Why? I actually didn’t have a lot of motive. I fell in love with the word when I was shopping in a local store with my best friend, Savannah. We browsed through bracelets that each had metal plates with different words on them. 

Fearless… Sunshine…. Sparkle…. Courage

If I’m being honest, I was looking for something that day. I wanted to find something I could believe in, and after staring at this overpriced metal and leather piece of jewelry, I made a choice.

 

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I chose ‘Courage’, but I didn’t really know that I had to also choose courage.

As an 18 year old girl in high school, I thought courage was:

  • Applying for college
  • Telling someone you like-liked them
  • Standing on a stage in front of all your friends, in an overall dress, singing about a dictionary being her friend (this actually took a lot of courage, I had to dance)
  • Running for a class officer position
  • Performing an original song for a talent show, and losing.
  • Performing an original song for a talent show- again, and winning.
  • Telling someone “No”

This is what I thought courage was; this is where I thought it stopped. What could be more scary than telling my coach for golf (and also APUSH teacher) that I didn’t want to play golf anymore? Not much.

Now, here’s my disclaimer. I’m not here to say that high school doesn’t take a ton of bravery. High school is hard. I was so lucky to have had the experience that I did, and I know that some aren’t as fortunate.

Then I went to college.

When I got to college, I thought that courage was:

  • Going to a party
  • Joining a sorority
  • Asking your friend’s boyfriend’s friend to go to a date party with you (Whom you’ve never met, but you neeeeed a date)
  • Going to class, when you know you’re not ready for that test
  • Getting over heartbreak
  • Talking to people about Jesus
  • Being honest with people you really don’t want to be honest with

Again, all of these things took courage. College is scary. When I was there, one day going to a date party with a stranger was scary- and then some days, getting out of bed sounded terrifying. It took courage.

It took ridiculous courage (and probably my impulsive nature) to move 1500 miles away from home, but I needed it.

Things that take courage now:

  • Leaving my apartment
  • Putting down my phone
  • Going to church
  • Being honest with my people
  • Making new friends
  • Making this home
  • Saying “Yes”

For the past six weeks, I’ve spent my time making excuses, and invalidating my fears with humor. I laugh and tell people how I’m scared to get murdered by my Uber driver, or how I worry that someone will try and kidnap me, or something else along those lines- and try and secretly justify why I shouldn’t spend my life in Los Angeles living.

Why? I don’t entirely know. But if I’m honest, I think I’m scared that I’ll be forgotten by my people in Texas.

Abandonment.

If I go out and have fun, they’ll think that I’m done with them- and then forget about me, not need me- like I was never special to them…

(Oh my gosh, written out, that sounds so dumb.)

So, yeah, that’s scary, but if I’m being STILL being honest… I needed a kick in the ass.

That fear might have kept me from living- and in result, I’ve been torn between wanting to go home, and dreading to go home, because of the story that I have to tell. So, someone close to me told me that I have 15 days to change my story.

Two weeks to rewrite what I’ve written. 

Two weeks to say “Yes” at least once, every day.

I can’t be afraid to do things alone, I can’t be scared that it won’t meet my standards, I can’t be worried that people will leave (because if they’re worth it, and love me, they won’t).

It seems to me, that every time I take another step forward, the scary things get harder, and bigger. But then I write them down, and these things I’m afraid of look so small.

I’ll get so mad at God: “When do I get to be comfortable? Does it EVER get easier?”

That’s just the thing, it doesn’t. Sigh. Whyyyy?

Because it’s not what we’re called to do. Uncomfortable is what we’re supposed to feel- it’s what Jesus wants us to feel. If it doesn’t take at least a little courage, have you really reached out far enough? Or just to where you feel the most comfortable?

I could think up the best life- the most easy, comfortable, obtainable life, and Jesus will still be better.

(But, let’s be real. I’ve never really been one to want something simple. We’re talking about a girl who went to California once, and shrugged and said “I want to be there.”)

What fun is that?

I once said that I wanted to “dance” with the fear that I ran from, and instead of dancing, I hid from it. Now, I’ve been yanked off my chair, and have been forced to Cha-Cha-Slide, and I am going accept it with all my courage, and “cha-cha real smooth”.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start writing.

———————————-

Don’t forget to wear deodorant, I forgot today, and it’s making me feel insecure. (Don’t worry I showered today, and girls never smell bad)

Love you guys

– Tori

Current Obsessions: ~*~*~Christmas Edition~*~*~

*ooooooh*

Well, it’s Christmas, and since I’m far away at the moment, online shopping has been my best friend. I’ve sent gifts to my apartment in California, my house in Houston, and my boyfriend’s house in Austin. Online shopping has saved me.

These days, people can honestly get anything they want- if they really want to. So, what you have to do, is think of what they WOULDN’T think to get themselves. This is the season of thoughtful gift giving. So, here are my secrets to shopping this year.

Etsy –  this site has saved my life. I’m into personalized gifts this year, because it ends up making your people feel special. If you can put their name on it (engraved, carved, written, anything) it instantly makes it more than just a journal. Extra advice when shopping on this site is to order as soon as you can, sometimes orders take as much as two weeks to get shipped.

Madewell  – So, if you don’t already know this… this store is my favorite thing in the entire world. If you’re shopping for your best friend or even your mom, there’s something here for them, I have (and love) these earrings. and they ship super fast. Disclaimer: It can be a bit expensive, but the sale section is BOMB- and right now they have a 30% sale online! (Also, they have a 15% student discount if you go to the actual store! Just ask them about it at the register, and show them your school ID. So that’s like 45% off, come on.)

Amazon – Okay, this is a given. Amazon is kind of amazing. They ship fast, and suggest things you might like, and Amazon Prime is almost too good to be true. They literally have everything. The other day, I ordered a box of 60 pouches of apple cider for like $10. Amazon. Freaking. Amazon.

REI – Okay, okay. This is for all you outdoorsy peeps (aka not me- YET). So, REI is basically heaven for anyone that likes to hike, camp, or really just be outside. For those of you who are shopping for someone that enjoys any of these things, the way to pick what to get them- is to think of what they wouldn’t get for themselves. Find something that isn’t essential when camping, but would make it a little easier, and get that. Cookware, sleeping pads, and if you’re like me and get nervous when your person goes into the wilderness: something to help them with being safe .

2 comments

  1. Reply

    You are wise beyond your years. You will never be forgotten at home. I must have spoken your name several times just last week. I selfishly wish you were back in Tomball. But of course I know that you have a bright future ahead of you. Unfortunately you can’t have all you deserve here. But you can come visit. We love you. And I personally think you should have won that talent show!

    Like

  2. Reply

    Don’t forget the best for of the song

    “Get funky with it”

    Get funky. Be weird. Be silly. Be fun.

    Also

    FREEZE

    EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!

    Like

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