My jet lag has lasted a month

This is a wholly good thing, because of the following reasons:

  1. I love mornings enough as it is, and my body waking up at 6/7am is just nice because I get an early start.
  2. It makes me go to bed early (also with the help of daylight savings, 8pm feels like 11pm).
  3. It keeps me on the same schedule as my people back home, so talking to them feels easy.

Every single person I’ve talked about this with has told me that I need to get on California schedule, but I just can’t do it.

Hi friends! It’s me.

So, I got to California about a month ago, and it’s going… it’s just going.

Getting settled has been harder than I expected. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t excited to finally have my own place again, after living with my parents for 3 months, and in a house of 9 other girls for 12 weeks before that; I was definitely ready to have my own space again. But, I’d also be lying if I told you I wasn’t homesick almost every other day (which is an improvement from last week).

It’s so absurd to look at how much comfort and safety I had in College Station for the past two years. I had friends that were family there, someone to always go out to eat with, someone to tell my problems to, someone to have an emergency slumber party with, someone I could just show up at their house and be welcomed in. I don’t have that here. (Yet. I know, I know. Yet.)

Since moving here, I’ve cried a lot. Scared tears and sad tears. I’ve been in arguments with people dear to me, I’ve been terrified an earthquake could kill me, and there has been more than one night that I just cry because I miss the hugs from my people. It’s been hard.

Talking on the phone with everyone back home keeps me sane. Depending on the day, it’ll make me feel closer or farther away. (Ooh, that could be a good song lyric. Dibs!) Having my roommate, Erin and good friend, Natalie, who’ve both been through this have made it easier. There’s something weirdly comforting about hearing the struggles of people who went through what you’re currently going through.

What I’ve realized more than anything is that I need to find my people here. I think I started to worry somewhere in my subconscious that if I found a family out here- or tried to, they could:

  • Not be as fantastic as my people back home.
  • Hurt me. Not everyone in Los Angeles are very nice.
  • Try and replace the important friends in my life.
  • Not want me.

There’s a lot that I worry about, and this is just one on my laundry list. I wish I could turn this entire story around and give you my glimmer of hope that I always weave into my posts, but if I’m being honest… it just has to be hard right now.

I’ve acknowledged that the fear of finding my place out here is something that I just have to go for. It will be hard, and I will have to push myself- and make myself step out of my comfort zone. It’s just going to have to take time, but that’s normal.

Jesus has literally pulled me out of my bubble, and placed me in the most uncomfortable place. He’s teaching me faith. Something I’ve never been very good at doing; blind trust. I’ve talked about before in my posts, and it’s something I’m still working on- but this time, I’m on the front lines, and having to completely trust that Jesus has me. Whenever I worry, it separates me from letting go and letting God.

I need prayer, friends. Prayer that I let Jesus control my life, and find peace in His sovereignty. Jesus is good, and His plan knocks mine out of my hands every time I start to think I know better.

I once said “Anywhere is home.” But, I’ve realized that home is where you make it, and I found my home in Texas, because of love. But since they are there, and I am here. I have to find a second home. Which doesn’t mean replacing the people back there, it just means adding more to my life, and I want all that I can get.

My heart kind of hurts today, and that’s okay.

I love you guys, thanks for reading these.

-Tori

 

 

One comment

  1. Reply

    Your people here won’t leave you. And if anyone can find their people anywhere it’s you. You draw people in with your love and empathy. Home is where the love is.

    You’re fucking awesome

    Like

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