Updates and Uncertainty

Hey you guys, it’s me, Tori- and I am so tired.

For the past eight weeks I’ve been running around- looking absolutely crazy trying to get ready for this move, and I am so tired. My headaches are constant, I’ve lost a ridiculous amount of sleep, my appetite has been non-existent, and I’ve cried a lot this week. Worry has worn me so thin.

Uncertainty scares me.

I think about moving and the kind of life that I’m making for myself. Where could this school lead me career wise?

I think about leaving my friends, and wondering who’s already forgotten about me. I’m so scared of abandonment. Who’s going to call? Who’s going to stop caring? Will I be replaced?

I think about if living in Los Angeles will make me as happy as College Station and Houston have. Will LA be nice to me?

The list goes on, and on, and on.

Not being able to see the next step in front of me is something that I can’t stand. I’m a planner. I like to know what my day is going to look like 48 hours in advance. Just “going with it” is something that I don’t do very often. I like order. I like control. I’m a planner.

Jesus thinks this is funny. I can picture His face so perfectly anytime I start to get worked up about relationships or school- stressed because I don’t know the future, and I can see Him just smiling and shaking His head at me all like, “Oh, Tori. You don’t control this at all. But, it’s absolutely adorable that you think that you can.” (I like to think He has a sense of humor.)

What it comes back to is trust. Something that I’ve always struggled with. If I can hardly trust some of the people closest to me- how can I trust a being that literally holds my life in His hands?

I just have to.

I worry every single day of my life. I’m worrying before I get out of bed, and my feet hit the floor. I worry so much. Uncertainty is the worst gray area I’ve ever known. So, to combat this, I sat down and tried to thing of anything- anything at all, that IS certain. But, I came up with only one thing:

He is certain. Which can branch off into all of this.

My Heavenly Father’s grace is never ending. His love for me won’t run out. What He gives me is what I need (even when I think I want something else). He believes that I’m enough. He won’t leave me, or abandon me. He wants all of me. His plan for me is better than anything I could make up.

I could imagine up my best plan for my life- one that has the job, the husband, the dog, and the house- and it will always fall short of what Jesus has in store for me (and for you.)

How big of a relief is it, that we don’t hold the future in our hands? What a comfort that is! But, the key isn’t just to solely let go and let God do his thing.

It’s about heading in the right direction, and letting him be the map.

I don’t know what California holds for me. I don’t know the kind of friends I’ll make, the people that will keep in touch with me, the people I’ll lose, the job I’ll get, or if this is the place that I’m going to stay in for forever.

“I’m not certain at all where I will be in 5 years but man, I’m certain where I will be in 500.” (this is from a blog that my big sent me)

A lot is uncertain, but He is constant and sure. How lucky are we?


Today is Thursday, and in 5 days, I’ll attempt to box up my life, put it in a car, and drive to California.

This is so weird!

Uncertainty is scary, and I am so tired.

But Jesus is sure, and I am so taken care of (and so are you!)

Love your dogs better.

-Tori


Current Obsessions:

  1. Jealous by Labrinth- I found this song the other day when I was studying, and it’s possibly one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. It’s kind of heartbreaking, but in the “this song is so sad, and my heart is in pieces, but I just want to leave it on repeat and stare out a window” kind of way.
  2. Fleece Sweatshirts – It’s getting cold, and I’ve been living in my quarter zip fleece, and it’s been very nice. Fleece anything is good. Fleece pants, fleece hat, fleece shoes, fleece everything.
  3. Season 8 of Grey’s Anatomy – I got back into Grey’s recently, and this is the season I’m on- and it’s awesome. I think I mainly like it because there are babies everywhere in it.
  4. Almost Powder by Clinique – I managed to lose my old pressed powder the other day, so I ran to Sephora the other day and got his pressed powder and it’s so nice. Not too expensive, lasts all day, and it smells good. How neat?!
  5. Rub Rub Rub by Lush – this is a shower scrub from my favorite bath store ever. Lush is cool because all of their products are organic, the tubs are recycled, and best of all THEY DON’T TEST ON ANIMALS! This scrub is blue and smells like heaven (or “orange blossoms” as it describes). You just put it on before you get in the shower, or while you’re showering and “rub, rub, rub” until the little beads turn into gel, and then you rinse off. It’s honestly my favorite smell in the world- I’ve gone through probably 6 tubs of this.

4 comments

  1. Reply

    I love your music and you and I wish you the best of luck in California. God has a wonderful plan in store for you!

    Like

  2. Reply

    Hey Tori,

    It is I, Brandon Sopher. I don’t know if you remember me.. Once upon a time you lent me your bed for a night during songfest. We stayed up late with the Michaels singing loudly and, in general, just being extremely goofy.. Hopefully that rings a bell haha

    Anywho, I loved reading your latest blog post.. I can relate to your current feelings of doubt and fear. I recently quit my job and left everything I knew to travel New Zealand for up to a year. I’ve only been here for a little over a month, but this has been one of the most challenging times of my life.. But also the most rewarding. It was such a mental struggle deciding to actively change my life and take a leap of faith- not to mention seeing the whole process through. I constantly had thoughts such as, “other people have done this, but can I really do this?” ; and “what if I fall flat on my face, how will I bounce back?” ; and (my personal least favorite), “what will other people think of me?” So I can honestly say I know what you are going through and I APPLAUD you for your courage. Leaving the comfort and safety of home is no easy thing.. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I can promise you one thing: wherever this journey leads you, you will become a much stronger person for it. You will grow in ways you can’t even imagine. And little by little, you will start to learn a new meaning to the saying, walk by faith and not by sight. It’s definitely not going to be easy. There will times of loneliness and, yup you guessed it, more doubt. But this is good. It’s going to cause you to look inward and upward. As you have already said, Jesus has got you. You may know it in your head now, but I think very soon (if it hasn’t already) it will become real in your heart as well. I struggle with believing that everyday, especially being surrounded by a culture that is not particularly interested in God. (I think LA will be no different) But again, these trials are a beautiful thing. And I couldn’t be happier by my choice. Of course, I don’t know your story or your reasons for leaving TX, but I think you too will be very happy with your choice.

    To give you an idea of the mental struggles I have been going through.. Here’s a snippet from a message I sent my friend describing my current struggles in a foreign (new) place. Hopefully you will be encouraged by the fact that you are not the only one going through terrible doubt. And, even more so, that there is a greater rest and peace waiting for you at the end of it.


    Challenge-wise.. Dude it has been tough. I could probably write a book on it already.

    In short,

    1. Despite the Kiwis speaking English, there is still a surprisingly large language barrier to overcome. (Different slang, mumbling, accent, and they talk sooo fast). You can probably relate with your Ozzy experience.

    2. It’s hard to connect with people who have grown up in a completely different culture than I have. Their work life is basically seasonal from what I can tell.. (farming, forestry, fishing, diving, mining); they hit up the pub daily; they adore rugby.. Man, one day it just hit me: My intimate knowledge of Disney songs and Star Wars quotes has little to no conversational merit with the majority of the people I’m introduced to or will be introduced to here.. Haha (of course, these observations are limited to the 4 weeks I’ve spent in the quite lovely, quite rural Colac Bay..)

    3. Add 1 & 2 to my already-strong-uncomfortableness of putting myself out there and meeting new people- and you have quite a doozy of a hurdle.

    This next one is big for me..And obviously, as you’ll see, the most important consideration of the 4. (Though, admittedly, it takes up less thought in my mind throughout the day than the first 3) I’ll try not to be too dramatic lol

    4. Upon recently taking my life off of autopilot, leaving everything and everyone I’ve ever known, and thrusting myself into a new and diverse culture.. I find myself free of the bias and social/national/religious conditioning that I have known all my life. And It has caused me to reassess why it is that I think the way I think and believe the way I believe. There is no accountability here. I can literally be whoever I want, do whatever I want, and believe whatever I want without people telling me (passively or otherwise) which way I should or shouldn’t go. It is liberating. But it is also terrifying. Upon reflection, the big underlying question (I’ve found) is.. “On what grounds do I live out my life..?” Do I live my life how I want it to be lived? Do I live my life based upon what I think will please other people? Or, perhaps as it should be, do I live my life based upon how the Lord wants me to live it? Of course this line of thinking brings up other important follow up questions..How do I want to live my life? How does God want me to live my life? And what do I do if I find that my faith in God, which has been a pillar all of my life, is actually not as strong as I thought it was..? Wait, why is it that I believe in God anyway..? (I’ve made a list haha) These are just some of the thoughts that have been circulating throughout my head in the few weeks I’ve been abroad. It’s like, being here on the other side of the world, I can get a (sometimes) clear third person/aerial view of my life to date and I can start assessing the particulars of it. Why? who? what? This thought process has not all been unpleasant, but it has been challenging.

    But to quote your quote of JFK’s quote (paraphrased) “We don’t do these things because they are easy, but because they are difficult.” I’m not going to compare my current issues with finding a solution to reaching the moon.. Haha but it has been a mental/spiritual struggle. But that is why I wanted this adventure. I feel that this is a very good thing. Perhaps I have too much time on my hands..? Lol No, rather, I see this time as a gift. As a way to reevaluate my life and its purpose. And just as you improve the quality of gold by thrusting it amongst the fire, I hope that these adventures will leave my resolutions and faith (in whatever they may be in) firmer and stronger for it.

    I know that that is a lot to take in.. Haha and I said it was going to be short.. But alas, this is probably the clearest I’ve seen my thoughts written out since I’ve been here- so I had to keep going. I promise that all my time here hasn’t been mental battles with philosophy and the meaning of life.. Haha I have had A LOT of fun and I have met some amazing people. Also I have already read 5 books in my downtime. And I have learned to do a lot of things since I’ve been here! Some useful (changing oil in a car, cooking for myself 😉, working a chainsaw, driving manual, planting trees, wielding an axe 😃) and some not so useful (tailing sheep, trimming horse hooves, how to play rugby (tell no one I said that)). Nope- Still haven’t figured out how to ride a bike. Hah It’s been a mixture of ups and downs as you can expect anything else to be, but there is this inescapable notion that I am coming to terms with my fricken existence here (thought I had) and that it will change my outlook on life forever.

    Overly dramatic..? Mmm maybe. Trying to impress you with my so-so intelligent writing..? Ehh probably. Rambling on bc it’s past midnight here and I’m full on fried shrimp and chips (French fries)..? Yes, definitely. Lol But in any case, I miss you man. And on more than one occasion I’ve found myself wishing that you could be here on these adventures with me. But all in good time, eh?? I hope so!!

    Anyways, I’m rooting for you Tori. Good luck in your adventures! I will be praying for you. And remember, Jesus has got you.

    Sincerely,

    Brandon

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    1. Reply

      Brandon,

      You have no idea how much comfort your words brought me. This move has been crazy, and everything you said articulates perfectly how I’m feeling as a whole. Jesus is literally the only thing I’ve been able to cling to this past month here.

      I have no idea how you did it. It really is so scary.

      Thank you for writing, and for your prayer.

      Also, I have not forgotten you!
      The Michaels and I wrote half a song about ya! Haha!

      – Tori

      Like

  3. Reply

    Tori – daughter of my friend – your
    Musical talent is only a part of you,,
    As shown by your beautiful thoughts
    And writing. Wishing you the best
    And many more blessings in your walk
    With God and your music career.

    Like

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