Hey you guys, it’s me, Tori- and I am so tired.
For the past eight weeks I’ve been running around- looking absolutely crazy trying to get ready for this move, and I am so tired. My headaches are constant, I’ve lost a ridiculous amount of sleep, my appetite has been non-existent, and I’ve cried a lot this week. Worry has worn me so thin.
Uncertainty scares me.
I think about moving and the kind of life that I’m making for myself. Where could this school lead me career wise?
I think about leaving my friends, and wondering who’s already forgotten about me. I’m so scared of abandonment. Who’s going to call? Who’s going to stop caring? Will I be replaced?
I think about if living in Los Angeles will make me as happy as College Station and Houston have. Will LA be nice to me?
The list goes on, and on, and on.
Not being able to see the next step in front of me is something that I can’t stand. I’m a planner. I like to know what my day is going to look like 48 hours in advance. Just “going with it” is something that I don’t do very often. I like order. I like control. I’m a planner.
Jesus thinks this is funny. I can picture His face so perfectly anytime I start to get worked up about relationships or school- stressed because I don’t know the future, and I can see Him just smiling and shaking His head at me all like, “Oh, Tori. You don’t control this at all. But, it’s absolutely adorable that you think that you can.” (I like to think He has a sense of humor.)
What it comes back to is trust. Something that I’ve always struggled with. If I can hardly trust some of the people closest to me- how can I trust a being that literally holds my life in His hands?
I just have to.
I worry every single day of my life. I’m worrying before I get out of bed, and my feet hit the floor. I worry so much. Uncertainty is the worst gray area I’ve ever known. So, to combat this, I sat down and tried to thing of anything- anything at all, that IS certain. But, I came up with only one thing:
He is certain. Which can branch off into all of this.
My Heavenly Father’s grace is never ending. His love for me won’t run out. What He gives me is what I need (even when I think I want something else). He believes that I’m enough. He won’t leave me, or abandon me. He wants all of me. His plan for me is better than anything I could make up.
I could imagine up my best plan for my life- one that has the job, the husband, the dog, and the house- and it will always fall short of what Jesus has in store for me (and for you.)
How big of a relief is it, that we don’t hold the future in our hands? What a comfort that is! But, the key isn’t just to solely let go and let God do his thing.
It’s about heading in the right direction, and letting him be the map.
I don’t know what California holds for me. I don’t know the kind of friends I’ll make, the people that will keep in touch with me, the people I’ll lose, the job I’ll get, or if this is the place that I’m going to stay in for forever.
“I’m not certain at all where I will be in 5 years but man, I’m certain where I will be in 500.” (this is from a blog that my big sent me)
A lot is uncertain, but He is constant and sure. How lucky are we?
Today is Thursday, and in 5 days, I’ll attempt to box up my life, put it in a car, and drive to California.
This is so weird!
Uncertainty is scary, and I am so tired.
But Jesus is sure, and I am so taken care of (and so are you!)
Love your dogs better.
- Jealous by Labrinth- I found this song the other day when I was studying, and it’s possibly one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. It’s kind of heartbreaking, but in the “this song is so sad, and my heart is in pieces, but I just want to leave it on repeat and stare out a window” kind of way.
- Fleece Sweatshirts – It’s getting cold, and I’ve been living in my quarter zip fleece, and it’s been very nice. Fleece anything is good. Fleece pants, fleece hat, fleece shoes, fleece everything.
- Season 8 of Grey’s Anatomy – I got back into Grey’s recently, and this is the season I’m on- and it’s awesome. I think I mainly like it because there are babies everywhere in it.
- Almost Powder by Clinique – I managed to lose my old pressed powder the other day, so I ran to Sephora the other day and got his pressed powder and it’s so nice. Not too expensive, lasts all day, and it smells good. How neat?!
- Rub Rub Rub by Lush – this is a shower scrub from my favorite bath store ever. Lush is cool because all of their products are organic, the tubs are recycled, and best of all THEY DON’T TEST ON ANIMALS! This scrub is blue and smells like heaven (or “orange blossoms” as it describes). You just put it on before you get in the shower, or while you’re showering and “rub, rub, rub” until the little beads turn into gel, and then you rinse off. It’s honestly my favorite smell in the world- I’ve gone through probably 6 tubs of this.