Learning to dance with the fear that I’ve been running from

Hello Friends!

Last time we spoke, I dropped the bomb on you that I’m moving to California! Well, good news:

That’s still happening!

I actually popped over to California a week ago to go apartment shopping with my future roommate, Erin, and we signed the lease for our future apartment in Burbank! Here’s a few things that happened on my trip.
  Besides that, I had a chance to catch up with some old friends, like Natalie- who also lives out here.
Saw a little sign from my Heavenly Father reminding me this was the right choice.

  Wore real clothes, and documented it.
This is the only picture I took of the model of our future apartment, because we didn’t know it was “the one” until two days later. (But, yay! Bathroom! We have two in our future home!)

Toured other apartments that had sweet views, but just weren’t the right fit.


Went on a solo hike through Runyon Canyon and saw a thousand dogs.


Then finally signed our lease (Erin did most of the work, as you can see.)

So, with all of this- by the looks of it, we will be moving into our new crib during the last week of October, and couldn’t be more excited about it. šŸ™‚


With all of this happening, I’m also trying to balance my last two months of school, relationships, and obviously getting ready for the move- so life’s been a bit hectic lately. It’s nothing very new to my lifestyle, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but as the weeks have been getting shorter, and my moving date nears- I’ve felt a lot of anxiety.

It’s expected, and I know that. Moving 1500 miles away from the only place that I’ve ever called home is absolutely terrifying. When I tell people about this move, these are the responses I get most often:

“How scary!”

“Is it for sure?”

“Your mom must be a wreck.”

All of which started to make me not necessarily “second-guess” my decision, but just put a ton of worry on the choice to move. But as these things weighed on my heart, I realized a lot of stuff.

1. Yes, this is scary- and that’s why I have to do it. If I learned anything this summer it’s what it means to be uncomfortable. When you think of that word, uncomfortable, it puts you off. Who doesn’t like to be comfy? We have comfy clothes and shoes- and if we think of a place that ties in with comfort- we know that it’s safe. It’s why I know I have to leave. My biggest point with this is Jesus. See, He doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to go out, be scared, be His, use our gifts, and show the world His love. I lost a ridiculous amount of sleep the last few months I spent at Texas A&M, absolutely petrified at thoughts like “What if I’m not supposed to leave?”, “What if I miserably fail?”, “What if music is ripped away from me?”,  “What if? What if? What if?”

One night that I was up thinking of all these possibilities, I called two of my friends for comfort and Truth. Each of which told me that The Lord doesn’t give us gifts so that we can hide them, or limit them. He gives them to us to do bigger things. I cannot let fear hold me back from using a gift to glorify Jesus.

But a gift doesn’t have to be something that places you in front of 1,000 people. It can be listening, prayer, hospitality, encouragement, service, or countless others. With these gifts, we’re meant to do more with them. Which is scary. I am scared. I am so scared. But, that’s how I know I’m making the right choice. I have to be uncomfortable if I want to grow.

2. When people would ask me if it was “for sure” I would always kind of laugh, and nod. But, eventually these words ate at me, and when they would ask me, I would hear it as “Are you sure?” There’s that pesky voice in the back of my head again, reminding me that I could utterly fail. What I’m doing, and where I’m going is a place of uncertainty. I have hardly an idea of what ahead of me; after going to LA once, I decided I want to move there- after going there ONCE. At first, pride got in my way. When that question would pop into conversations, I’d come back around immediately and give them a confident answer, when in reality, my confidence was dwindling; those “What if?” questions would cross my mind once again.

More to realize with this. Yes. It is for sure. I have signed my lease, set a moving date, and have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to my new room. But, what I’ve started to say is when I’m asked this, is “Yes, I am sure.” Because, I am. It brings me back to talk about faith. Something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Faith, in simpler terms, is the action of just utterly trusting someone or something (most often, and obviously in my case, it’s Jesus). I have a tendency to try and control everything I can, and give stuff I don’t care that much about to The Lord to handle.

I was letting my “sure-ness” eat at me. I wasn’t trusting Jesus, and I knew it. Finally, I could hear Him screaming at me to live my life with open palms. Something that I think anyone (religious or not) should do.

Living a life with open palms, means holding out your hands with everything you have in them. If you clutch something too close to your heart, it has to be pulled away from you, and hurts like heck. But, If you hold something out in front of you with your hands open, and it is taken, it doesn’t bring hurt as much. I was holding this dream far too close to my heart, that I didn’t realize that it was breaking me down, and my hands were forced open so that I could breathe.

Nothing in life is “for sure” when you really think about it. But what this move is all about now, is trusting whatever Jesus’ plan for me is. That is for sure. He is for sure. This is enough for me.

3. Okay, first and foremost. How about ME? How about “YOU must be a wreck?”. Because, let me tell you, I miss my mom when she leaves me for three days. Now, I’ll be going months without seeing her- which is just ridiculous.

Friends of our family would find out about my move, and bring it up in conversation so casually, and one day my mom started to talk about it with me.

“You know, people really think that I’m going to be pretty broken up over you leaving.” She started “Now, that isn’t a lie. I’m going to miss you so much, but I’m not sad. I am so proud of what you’re doing. I’m excited for you. Baby, you’re brave.” is what she told me.

I’ve read into this deeper. Leaving is going to be so hard, and I’ve already felt that- and I haven’t even left yet.

I miss my sorority sisters a stupid amount, I miss my camp friends, I miss my brother, best friend, my family, my high school friends, my boyfriend, and my dog. I miss them all so much, and I’m literally within a couple hours from all of these people. I’m not even gone, and I’m homesick.

So, I can choose to let this weigh me down. I can be sad, and mope at the idea of leaving a place and leaving people that have been so sweet to me… or… I can see the light that’s in front of me. How can I not choose to be joyful for this opportunity? I have the chance to live out a dream- to actually pursue what I’m passionate about.

It’s about perspective. The glass is half full, everyone.

Fear is real, you guys. It’s intimidating, and I can run from it, or let it hold me down, but I have a better idea.

I’m going to dance with it. 

It’s not just about facing fears, in this matter. It’s about taking it out on the town, and dancing with it to every Whitney Houston and Celine Dion song that plays in that karaoke bar.

It’s about taking what could hurt you, and making it into something not worth fearing- even more, trusting that even if it does end up biting you, you’ll be fine.

Let me be clear. I’m still scared beyond belief.

But fear isn’t weighing me down. It’s dancing with me.


I love you guys. Hope your first weeks of school are off to a wonderful start, and that you’re feeling healthy, happy, and beautiful (all of ya!).

We’re gonna get down, and get back up.

-Tori


Current Obsession:

Ben Rector’s new album Brand New:

I’m making only one obsession for this post, and it’s all because of how fantastic this album is. I’ve loved Ben Rector for years, and this new album came out two days ago.

It is by far my favorite album of his. He speaks truth about life, love, and manages to play amazing contemporary music and glorify The Lord all while doing so. I admire this musician and songwriter so much, y’all.

His song “Fear” is what made me want to write this post. I hope you liked it.

“I was down outside of Georgia, so sure that I was done. But something in me would not turn around and run. Heard The Lord in California, and I remembered who I was, and I learned to dance with the fear that I’d been running from.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s