Hello, hello, my sweet friends.
I hope you’re doing well, enjoying the sunshine, and feeling wonderful- because summer is so close!
I don’t really know how to start this, if I’m being honest. I’m not very eloquent when it comes to public speaking or writing out things about myself. If I have to give a speech, I talk fast, mumble, ramble, use filler words, and so on. If I’m writing a paper, I have a tendency to leave out an “and” or “of” every once in a while. It’s a bit ironic. I can sing on a stage for hours, and write a song in twenty minutes. But this is kind of thing is just difficult.
I want to let you guys in on my life; I want to be transparent. This past school year has been crazy in every single way you can imagine. I’ve never done more with music, or felt more loved by my friends and family. It’s obvious to me how fortunate I am, and if you follow me on any of my social media, it’s clear that I am constantly blessed, and this is true. But Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook can be deceiving.
When you see a picture I post on Instagram, or a Snapchat added to “My Story”, or blog post here- you’re receiving just a snapshot of my life; a glimpse of something that I am letting you to see. You see the kind of people that I surround myself with, the way I spend my time, what I eat, what I read, and so on. But something that’s so easy to believe, is that all these pictures, statuses, and tweets are what my life is like all the time. This is beyond false.
Last semester, I wasn’t myself.
During May of my freshmen year of college, a lot happened. People I had loved left my life, friends moved away, new people were coming in, I was figuring out what kind of person I wanted to be, and it was all a lot of change that I wasn’t ready for. In result, I started to feel a little lost. However, when all of this was happening, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love me a ridiculous amount.
In a short summary, for the past two years, I’ve worked at a summer camp with a staff of 24 people and 3 directors. I grew up going to this camp, so in result, I grew up with most of the people on my staff. I was so fortunate to have these people surrounding me in the time I needed them most. Last summer was with filled with tears, laughs, sunburns, bug bites, scrapes, cookies, stargazing, lake swims, and so many other things. Without their unconditional love, I have no idea how I would’ve made it through the summer in one piece.
But, as good things come to an end, August came before I knew it, and I was back in College Station with a one piece swim-suit tan, and the idea that I was perfectly fine.
Fall semester of my sophomore year, I discovered how “fine” I really was. Without my community, I realized how much I relied on them all summer long. As months passed, I found myself not being able to get out of bed. I would stay home all day from class, be anti-social, and just want to do nothing. I lost motivation to do things that were important for my future. I wasn’t writing music, and if I did it didn’t sound like me, I’d watch Netflix for hours, and avoid people I used to love hanging out with. If you’re looking for a name for this situation, college students know it as “The Sophomore Slump” and let me tell you, it’s so real.
I was doubting my talent as a musician, and my future as a whole. Looking back, now, I wasn’t necessarily looking to be “found”, I just wanted to feel “un-lost”.
The New Year comes, and I took my first trip to Los Angeles. Up until this point, there wasn’t much change. Winter break was something I definitely needed, and having the chance to recharge and recuperate was great. I wasn’t expecting anything crazy on my trip. I was excited, yes, because I was getting to see one of my best friends, working on music with other great friends, and also having the chance to take a trip to California, a place I had never been. But, like I said, I wasn’t expecting some massive change.
Little did I know, this one week completely changed my life.
I fell hopelessly, recklessly, and unapologetically in love with California. I was working on music, I was laughing, and felt more than happy- I felt joyful. I was doing what I loved- what I was passionate about.
Once I came home, I began talking to my mom about how being on this trip was the happiest I had felt in a very long time.
Then, without meaning to, and without even thinking about it, I kind of just blurted out.
“Well, maybe I should just move there.”
There was a pause in the conversation, and I waited for her to say “No.” and then list her reasons why, but we began talking about it. But, I didn’t want to get my mind set on something that would fall through in the next week.
After a couple months of discussing, and an additional trip back to Los Angeles, I’ve made one of the biggest decisions of my life.
In case you haven’t caught on yet:
I’m moving to California.
Wow. There it is. Four words.
Typed out, it looks really weird.
The past four months that I’ve been working toward this, thinking about it, praying about it, and preparing for it have been exciting and completely unbearable. Telling my friends has been awesome and hard, not registering for classes has been stressful, and the best way I can explain all my feelings as a whole is bittersweet.
I’ve been so caught up in how wonderful it’s going to be, that it wasn’t until last week that it hit me: Leaving home is going to be so hard.
Texas A&M has been so good to me these past two years. This school taught me what it means to be a part of something bigger, how to be independent, and it gave me my best friends. Words cannot express how much I’ll miss this place in the fall.
No more spontaneous trips home, or weekend trips to see my friends in Austin and San Marcos. If my best friend in Huntsville needs me, I can’t drop my life and go to her. I’m going to miss so much. Miss people, and miss out.
I won’t get my Aggie Ring, I’ll miss important birthdays, I’ll miss my family and friends, and being the emotional soul that I am- there will be days when I cry for no reason.
It’s the price that comes with this, but I’ve never been more confident in a decision.
I’ll be spending my summer at the same summer camp that got me through those hard weeks last year. It’s, without a doubt, definitely the place I should be spending the summer before I leave. I’m sure of this.
You know what I love most about this California? The landscape. Coming from a place as flat as Texas, it’s culture shock to look out a plane window and see mountains all around you. I feel alive when I’m there. Just the thought of it makes my heart swell up, and feel like I’m in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. I am so in love with it all.
But what I’m circling back around to is this:
For the 18 months I’m at school in California, and figuring out life. You will see me trying to live my life to the fullest. Learning more about myself, Jesus, and what’s around me. I want to feel alive. Watching sunrises, driving to swimming holes, hiking through forests, learning more about the business I want to go into, and doing music as much as I can. I hope all of this will happen. But I can guarantee you that my life will continue to be far from perfect once I’m out there. I will get homesick, tired, ill, frustrated, discouraged, and definitely have to deal with my poor sense of direction. You won’t see it on these pages, but it will be happening.
A beautiful mess of a life. But I wouldn’t want anything short of that.
I hope you take this journey with me, because I’ve been looking for myself, and I think I might be somewhere on the West Coast.
Anywhere is home.
I love you guys. Words of support are appreciated, and know that each of you are dear to me.